From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Charlie, I felt zero connection to her. I reduced it to hormones and thought when I saw her it would change.
Instead, a darkness like I’ve never known swallowed me whole. I spent over a year dwelling in this darkness; lost, alone, confused, and pretending I was ok. Our youngest child didn’t even feel like she was mine until she was over 9 months old.
I believed my family would be better off without me and was faced almost daily with a decision to stay. Believe me when I say, it wasn’t an easy decision. This was a crippling and tiring fight that I wish I hadn’t done alone. But I came out stronger and with clarity I could have never achieved without this experience.
Hear this mama: you aren’t alone.
I know the fight is ugly. It hurts you, belittles you, confuses you, makes you feel alone, and without purpose. It touches everyone around you and takes you to the darkest spaces of yourself you never knew existed. I know you don’t feel like a mother let alone want to be a spouse. And if you’re like me, I know you’re faced with the decision to live.
Know this mama: You are a warrior.
I can promise you that it is possible to venture into the depths of hell and emerge in glorious victory. You may not see the light but I promise its there. You’ve been chosen for this fight for a reason.
There isn’t shame or weakness in asking for help. I know now that it is the most powerful request you could make for yourself.
If I can be a light for you in your darkness, I’m a simple click away.